I heard once that you should always wear clean underwear just in case you get hit by a bus.
Me, dying under a bus, I vaguely see the outline of the knicker police approaching: Oh no.
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Of course it’s you and not me. I’m freaking amazing.
SON: Is it true trees kill more people than wild animals do?
[tree hiding in broom closet tenses up]
DAD: Nonsense.
[tree sighs in relief]
her: how about we go to this restaurant? I heard it’s earned two Michelin stars
me: [trying to impress] my car has four Michelin tires
Who called it condensed milk instead of mk?
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
in a senior moment, i forgot the word for bologna, so I said, “you know…ummm…hotdog pancakes!”
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
Please quit telling me to “keep up the good work” the good work was an accident and impossible to replicate
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
My 3yo was sitting on my lap reading a book
I lowered my head to kiss the top of his head
At the same time he whipped his head up and whacked my nose, fracturing itI have a swollen bruised nose just bc I wanted to love him
This is motherhood
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
I just saw The Big Sick and now I’m negotiating with my doctor to place me in a medically induced coma and then speed dial my true love.
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
WE ARE AT THE PARK. BUT THE HUMAN SAYS IT’S TIME TO LEAVE. WHICH DOESN’T MAKE SENSE. BECAUSE THEY CAN’T CATCH ME
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
was trying to insult someone and my phone corrected it to “ducklord”. now he is the ducklord & i am powerless against his mallard onslaught
Me: my biggest strength is listening attentively
Interviewer: ok but I asked what you knew about the company
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
NETFLIX: Are you still watching?
Me: I’m trying, but you won’t let me use my neighbor’s sister’s ex-boyfriend’s password.
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.