I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
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When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
I don’t always pick my nose in front of the window but when I do a neighbor will inevitably drive by
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
I have decided to keep my uncomfortable home office chair
This encourages me to spend less time in it
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
[spider walking into first spin class] What’s the deal with the bikes?
ME: Mexican food does NOT agree with me
BURRITO: Correct. Your thoughts on middle eastern power structures are banal and imperialist at best
My husband just yelled, “WE DONT GOAT SCREAM IN THE HOUSE!” In case you’re wondering how quarantine is going.
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Apparently when a couple tells you they’re pregnant with their 6th kid it’s not cool to yell “OMG DUDE GET OFF HER.”
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
Wife: You’re so predictable
Me: Yeah? I bet u didn’t see this coming
*I go to throw water on her but shes already wearing a poncho*
Me: Damn
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk
Is fake venison called venisn’t
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Last night, I hid the Oreos under my son’s folded clothes in a basket and asked him to put it away… which he SWEARS he did.
Now he’s standing in front of the pantry freaking out that the Oreos are gone. Who wants to tell him?
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me
Him: Don’t get your panties in a bunch.
Me: It’s called a bulk pack, Todd. That’s how Costco sells them.
I can’t wait til my kids become adults so I can go over their houses & throw clean laundry all over the floor.
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
He stole my heart, so I stole his last name. Is the slogan of a very famous body parts and new ID shop in Mexico.
I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
I wanna see a video where professional dancers break out into nursing.