Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
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Is it fall yet? I really can’t suck my stomach in much longer.
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
12 yr. old daughter: My friend Samantha said she thinks you’re handsome.
Me: Aww. That’s cute. How about her mom? Has she said anything?
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
Any leggings can be fur lined leggings if you don’t shave your legs.
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
GF: “Call me ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
Me: “Hi ASAP, it’s an emergency!”
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
“I’m so glad I stopped killing spiders after re-reading Charlottes Web”, I say out loud to my delicious bacon
[being chased by killer]
ME: *frantically pressing crosswalk button*
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
cop: you’re free to go
me: but
cop: go on now
me: please
cop: I SAID GET OUTTA HERE
me: *runs into the forest*
cop: :'(
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
Cool shirt 🙂
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
My life in a nutshell
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
HER: Whisper in my ear
ME: [softly] We’re cursed chimpanzees stranded on a giant rock orbiting a treacherous star
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
My neighbors have both a howling dog and a screaming baby out in their yard. I’d throw a rock or something but I’m afraid I’d hit the dog.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.