if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
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Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
I want to re-home a dog. Small terrier, tends to bark a lot. If interested let me know and I’ll jump over next door’s fence and get her
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
5 year old: Where does wind come from, daddy?
Me: It comes from people asking too many questions.
When a guy shaves his head bald and wears a sweatband, the top of his head looks like a stick of roll-on deodorant.
You’ve just gotta remember, some things don’t work out so you can make room for the things that will.
If both don’t work out…eat a cake.
If you put holy water in a humidifier it turns the room into a gas chamber for vampires.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
A real smart TV would increase the volume when you start eating chips.
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
When I see a girl with a lot of makeup, I just wanna to use my finger & write `”WASH ME”` on her face.
At TGIF~
Caesar: I’ll have the salad.
Cleopatra: Me too. Its my salad day.
Waiter: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus *opens napkin*: Oh, great. No knife.
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
“Women & Children first” i yell heroically from the Dentist’s waiting room
If I wash a load of dishes everyday all of my dishes stay clean
If I skip one day I have 7000000000 loads of dishes the next day.
How?
When your divorced parents are forced to sit together at your wedding.
[when i invented the mirror]
oh look it’s that ugly guy from the pond
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.
I don’t understand how God can have Ten Commandments for the whole world, and my wife can have 152 just for our house.
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[ I am abducted by aliens ]
alien: it’s been 5000 years since we first came and bestowed upon you our wisdom. we excepted things to be… different
me: WANT SOME GUM IT’S AVALANCHE FLAVOR