Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
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I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
The downside of being raised in the wild by wolves is that after you’ve grown up and left the wild, and you’re living in Shoreditch, they come to visit and you take them to your local vegan restaurant and they embarrass you by trying to order lamb.
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
Wonder who’s getting killed off this season on Sesame Street
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
My 4yo picked up a toy and put it away without being asked, and I just stared at her like she was a woodland animal I didn’t want to scare.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Who’s your best friend?
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
Engineer: A short circuit in the deer’s nose could cause it to glow red hot. Yes, it’s dangerous.
But should we recall, the most famous reindeer of all?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.