wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
Wanna delight in the fact that you’ve been tricking the kids by using white instead of black pepper so they won’t complain that dinner is “too spicy”?
THEN DON’T TELL YOUR HUSBAND WHAT YOU DID!
Drink lots of muppet milk to keep your fur soft and manageable and your eyes their googliest.
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching two real estate agents trying to eat a pigeon?
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
Just walked past a neighbour washing his car and I didn’t say “You’ve missed a bit” or “You can do mine next!” and now I’m questioning whether I’m even still British.
“Lord, can I have a pony?” Sure. Just as soon as I get a prayer from a pony asking for a little girl with no clue how to take care of it.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
Toddlers and Tiaras: Fat, sexually frustrated soccer moms invest their husband’s money in ruining their daughter’s lives.
[at the aquarium]
Son, pointing at large tank: daddy what’s that?
Me: that’s a tank
Son: no what lives in the tank
Me: water
I forgot the word for stylist and called it looksmith.
Most arachnophobes end up secretly being spiders themselves
She’s a 10, but you can’t date numerical values and anthropomorphising digits doesn’t lead to a stable relationship.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
if you save that one free donut u get everyday after getting vaccinated, by the end of the year that’s enough donuts to open your own shop but y’all don’t see the vision
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
I’ve been playing GTA for an hour and I still can’t find the “exchange insurance information” button.
smh
Anyone who has got experience dealing with a friend or loved one who was an addict? Do you have any resources that you found useful? Can you please share? I love you all. Stay safe out there.