BOSS: *rubbing bridge of her nose* Why were you late again?
ME: Well it’s High Five Wednesday, and I passed an aquarium full of Octopuses
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My kids want a second dog for me to feed, walk and clean up after for Christmas.
remember
only for emergencies
The best misheard song lyric ever is “Hit me with your pet shark”.
I will hear no other opinions on this matter.
Having watched me rewire a plug, the kids are looking at me with a renewed sense of wonder.
I think they’re mostly wondering how I managed to make the whole house explode like that.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Forgot your password?
Hint: your cat’s name~ a crazy cat lady’s worst nightmare
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
The way time stretches between the moment you put your hands under the air dryer and the realisation it is in fact a paper towel dispenser.
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Me: What are you excited to see at the aquarium?
2: Giraffes!
Me: There’s only water animals there
2: Cows!
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
No wonder King Charles’s visit to France was cancelled amidst violent protests about retirement age legislation. A working 74-year-old royal just sends out the wrong message.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
If I saw somebody eating a taco like that, I would slap that taco out of that hand.
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
My shower gel is £1 but my washing up liquid is £2. Why am I spending twice as much to clean my plates as I am to clean myself? We’re both covered in the same pasta sauce.
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
No one told me my life would become so much googling it
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I might not be girlfriend material but I’m definitely
Another family? In this one I want to be the cross-dressing uncle, @funTweeters.
How your email finds me
This nation more divided than ever.
I just saw a tweet in support of raisins.
Hacker: I have all your passwords
Me: Oh thank god, I have been locked out of my old Dropbox for years.