Choose your pet name wisely because you’ll be yelling it out in your neighborhood if you lose them.
*uses falsetto voice*
MR. SMOOCHES!!
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T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
just saw a guy pull down his sunglasses and look at a firetruck go by like a sexy lady in an 80s movie
Me: I want my kids to have lots of friends
Me, when these friends visit: WTF they are so annoying
People buying plungers never look happy.
I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
When your man makes a valid point
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
me: I’m broke
therapist: wait, do you mean emotionally or you can’t pay me?
me: emotionally
therapist: *sigh of relief* ok thank god
So me and my demons are gonna have a few bloody mary’s and see where the day takes us. Would you and your demons like to tag along?
Them: Follow your dreams!
Me: *goes back to school without pants*
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
I tried to cover myself in plastic wrap as a sexy surprise, but we were out and this aluminum foil is getting itchy…
Honey I Shrunk the Kids IV:
They shrink everyone on earth on purpose
The planet will never run out of resources
Everyone is eaten by ants
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I would steal more cars if only folks left their keys behind the sun visor like in the movies DAMN.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
ME (having a disagreement with a friend): I’d like to speak to your manager
Him: Do you have any food in your purse?
Me: I call it my Snack pocket. My snocket.
Him: Not all words need to be-
Me: ALL OPTIONS SHOULD BE EXPLORED DO YOU WANT THIS Ziplock OF WARM BABY CARROTS OR NOT?
Just because you haven’t met the love of your life yet….yeah, no. I have nothing.
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
“Oh my god Harvey, you have GOT to see this bathroom.”
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.