Me, at front door: I’m going running
Mom, in bathroom: Who’s that?
Me: It’s me!
Mom (mother of 3): THAT DOESN’T HELP
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
Amazing statistic. The new U2 album is the most deleted record in history.
My house is almost 80 years old, so are some of the spiders, judging by the size of them.
If you’re trying to woo me without food… let me stop you right there.
“Valentine’s Day is overrated and presents aren’t necessary to show love”
– *people who don’t get anything for Valentine’s Day
*me
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
My dad: what kind of dog is that?
Me: Rhodesian Ridgeback.
Dad: Rhode Island douche bag?
Me: close enough.
I haven’t prevented a single forest fire.
Is it possible that Smokey was talking to someone behind me?
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
14 called me an idiot today
No, I don’t have a 14-year-old child
I mean 14 people
Was watching that new walking dead and it was really good. They ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran from zombies then killed zombies then ran fr
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Tonight I wanna stay at home and watch a movie with my boyfriend.
Can someone recommend a good boyfriend?
It’s NOT day drinking if you didn’t sleep the night before, mother.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
that awkward moment when a friend is complaining about their spouse, but you start to identify with the spouse
Mirror mirror on the wall, can I call you Jim or something cuz I’m not saying mirror mirror on the wall every time. That’s just ridiculous
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
If you are trading Cephalopods, it’s important that you exchange those that are of equal size and value.
You know….
Squid Pro Quo
wife: please don’t do anything stupid
me: ok… wait,
tonight or ever?
Teacher: We’re going to need you to work with your daughter on humility.
Me: I was never good with weather stuff but I’ll give it a shot.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.