[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up
Not gonna lie it felt good
A dog can locate the source of a sound in 6/100ths of a second which is almost as fast as a kid being able to locate a parent opening a candy wrapper
Him: Are you crazy crazy, Craigslist crazy, or institutionalize crazy?
Me: Yes
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
I think the problem is that I’m 20% stud and 80% muffin.
*Speed Dating*
Him: Do you have any hobbies?
Me: *tying my hair in a big knot under my chin so I look like I have a beard*
“TAAA-DAAA!”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
if you want all your cereal boxes and chip bags to look like they were opened by a wild monkey, kids might be for you.
My wife begged me to stop singing Outkast songs, so I was like, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alright, alri
Wiccan pigs: Basically we’ll need 100 grand to start our deli.
Loan Officer: Proposed name?
WP: Hamwitches
[long pause]
LO: Hell yes.
I’m a conflict avoider until someone wants to share my food
They say every piece of bacon takes 9 minutes off of your life expectancy. So according to my math, I should have died somewhere around the spring of 1483.
If you watch Sleeping Beauty backwards it’s about a prince who was so charming he kissed his girlfriend and she fainted for 17 years
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
there are two types of people:
– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send
– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word
Sorry about that time I gave you advice that would have made your life ten times better. Good thing you chose to completely ignore it. Phew.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
If a malevolent demon is watching you sleep, simply go to Settings > General > Privacy > Malevolent Demon Who Watches You Sleep (Deactivate)
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
My kids think I’m going to miss them when they leave for college, but I’ll be busy drinking my coffee while it’s still hot.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes