[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
the first rule of micromanager club is…here, i’ll just show u
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
For most people, bikini season lasts a few short summer months; but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I get to eat bikini all year round.
I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
*open up knapsack and a parachute comes out*
Kid: But that means-
*Dad is hurtling towards the ground with a sandwich and apple*
Had a spot of bother earlier.
New York could be completely and permanently under water and people would still be like “$3500 for a one bedroom seems fair.”
I have three 11yr olds doing karaoke in my living room right now.
I don’t want to hear about your problems.
I love diss tracks because it’s basically 2 dudes going, “grr, we hate each other so much we’re going to take turns writing increasingly personalized poetry!”
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I don’t have a drafts folder. My tweeting style is “blender without the lid on”.
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
The 5th dentist couldn’t answer because she was eating a delicious chimichanga.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
me: this cat is kissing me on the lips because it LOVES me
cat: mother’s lips taste perpetually of bacon
ME: I’m seeing a little water staining on the ceiling. There must be a leak somewhere.
CONTRACTOR: When are you noticing it most?
ME: When I look up.