holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
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Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
that colleague who touches your screen
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
doctor: here’s your x-ray
me: ew I look ugly in this one delete it take another
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
[Bee Gees voice]
you can tell by the way I use my walk,
that I stepped in shit,
while in the park
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
[pulling sword out of stone] now I am the rightful king of all England [sword keeps coming out] what the hell [colored handkerchiefs fly from the stone] oh no it’s as I’ve feared [clowns around me take a knee]
Me: Enough about me, what are some of your interests?
Dinner Date: I love Youtube.
Me: Don’t call me a tube [looks around] you soup face.
Lynyrd Skynyrd
Lyonyl Rychye
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
72% of trick or treating is yelling “CAR!!!” at your kids.
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Kind of rude when I get home from vacation and my plants look better than when I left
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
I named my son Kidding Me so whenever people say “Are you kidding me” he has to say yes. This is a bad joke thanks for your time
Well, well, well, if it isn’t the feelings I’ve been trying to avoid.