Me: I’m so sorry, my dog ate my homework
Comp Sci Professor: your dog ate your coding assignment?
Me:
Prof:
Me: it took him a couple bytes
You Might Also Like
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Being paranoid about your govt’s paranoia is a good sign.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.
Amy Winehouse’s final album was “recorded before her death.” Thanks for the clarification.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
My wife bought 24 Hostess cupcakes for my son to take to school tomorrow for his birthday treat. I didn’t know that’s what they were for. I hope 8 kids are absent tomorrow.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
The man standing outside the nursing home just asked if I had any teeth to sell
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
Getting old is not fun. Sometimes I have to check my texts, photos and ring camera when someone asks me what I did yesterday
The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
On the bright side, every moment Bieber spends Tweeting is a moment he isn’t spending recording or performing music.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
[the day after I meet a genie]
boss: hey team, you can all leave five minutes early today
me: *loudly* oh wow so weird