“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
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DAD: you need to look out for people
ME: yes we’re all in this together
[thump thump]
ME [slams on brakes] omg what was that?!
DAD: as I was saying
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
Excessive use of commas is a serious
crime which may result in a long sentence.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
[commercial]
WOMAN: have u ever wondered what would happen if a car alarm could swim?
NARRATOR: geese
I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
Did you know there’s a type of spider that eats snails and uses the shell as armor to attack birds? That’s not true. I’m sorry.
“none of your ridiculous drink recipes tonight, ok dan?”
I promise
[later]
*stuffing flatbread into blender* WHO WANTS A PITA COLADA
Boxing is like a dance, a dance where you punch your dance partner until he doesn’t want to dance anymore.
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
When in doubt, ignore an unknown number on your mobile, never hit Reply All, and always wear clothes when you step out of your house.
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
When I was a child I spake as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child but when I became a man I put away none of those things
me: most people don’t use their middle names
machine kelly: it just feels dumb this way
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
Work tip: if you’re going to ask your boss if you can “work from home”, don’t use air quotes.
Instead of telling people to drive safely, tell them you had a dream that they died in a car crash. Then to avoid looking crazy, say “I don’t believe in those things, so it’s probably nothing, don’t worry.”
They will drive… super carefully.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.