I’m not saying that asking your kids to clean will always make things worse, but I asked my 4yo to clean his muddy shoes and found him standing naked in a full bathtub polishing them with his toothbrush
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Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?
Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.
Me: Wow! New record.
Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does
Me: Well that makes two of us..
[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
“Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble”
– my stomach after eating jalapeño bean dip
[trying to fit in with people at the gym]
me: *takes a big swig of gatorade* wow you can really taste the gator
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
[Jesus goes over the bill at the last supper]
“Why would-[closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose]-Why would anyone order wine?”
If the object of having a few drinks is to ” Take the edge off”, then I’m Spherical
damn demi, your rap battle opponent didn’t even try to diss your clothes. what’s your secret. [camera pans out to show all-orange outfit]
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Me: *Making a wish as I throw a quarter into the fountain*
Coworker: He’s ruining the fondue again!
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
Me after completing a simple 10-minute task that I’d been putting off for 3 months
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
You know what I’m hoping is in my Easter basket this year?
A nap.
(Just kidding. Moms don’t get baskets.)
(Or naps.)
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Who’s this “moderation” character people keep telling me to drink with?