I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
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People act as though the concept of the thought police is a bad thing, but it would actually be really useful if there were an authority that could pull you over to ask “Do you know how stupid you were going just now?”
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
Pisces: A coworker will compliment your fashion sense this week. With each passing day your human disguise grows more convincing.
Them: you shouldn’t drink so much caffeine it’s bad for you
Me: I shouldn’t have to work this much to afford my rent either but here we are
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
My dog saw me naked this morning
now she’s sitting down at the end of the driveway waiting for her Uber to the shelter
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
Me: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Ryan Gosling?
Him: Me? No, but thank-
Me: Ok just making sure.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
I spoke to my husband earlier
He seemed quite nice
This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
I wonder if anyone ever looked Jesus in the face and saw a piece of toast.
Everyone hates drama; yet somehow the tabloids remain in business
Give a man a fish & he’ll be all “WTF are you giving me a fish for? That’s weird” Teach a man to fish & he’ll be all “Again with the fish?”
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
got an email from my bank saying “is your 401k enough to retire on” and it’s like you are my bank you know it is not
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.