Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
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Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
[God & his assistant making giraffes]
ASST: Say “when” once the neck is long enough, k?
*God is on his iPhone not really paying attention*
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Cop leans over body:
Looks like *removes shades* cement poisoning
Or a case *removes mustache* of gravity
Or *removes teeth* aaah gaah bwaa
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends
Two boys in Madagascar scratch the back of a habituated lemur
(Via National Geographic)
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
shoutout to my mom who has reused the same Christmas gift bags for so long she just found a gift card to the Cheesecake Factory from 1999.
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
[plummeting from a huge cliff to my death] I’m hungry
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
me [holding wife’s shirt] Can this go in the dryer?
wife: What does it say on the tag?
me: “Made in Vietnam”
wife: The other tag
me: Oh
wife:
me: “Gap”
Despite evidence to the contrary, I still maintain typing louder and harder will magically make my incorrect password correct.
i love misspelling a word so hard even MS Word is like “this is between you and the Lord now”
Hey is it just me or is there another two-letter pronoun used to refer to oneself as the object of a verb or preposition?
Brb my Sims are getting married
It’s been one year since I got fired for having my friends give me 5 star reviews
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.
Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.
My husband got our kids to clean their rooms by promising them they could watch him play video games so basically all I need to do to get my kids to eagerly do their chores is become good at Fortnite. Cool
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
on my driver’s license I look like a hobo
in person, I am groomed and wearing decent clothes
the bartender studies my ID, studies my face, then says to my girlfriend, “good job”
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.