Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
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Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
Where is your GOD now????
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
me: check out that beach body
other forensic detective: stop calling it that
He’s dead
One of the best
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
The only time I’ve ever been a priority is when I paid extra for shipping.
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
If someone asks if you’ve been crying just say, “why… do you want to watch?” and it will weird them out enough to leave you alone
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
2 things lotion won’t let you do when it’s on your hands because it’s evil:
1) escape the bathroom
2) open a beer
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours