Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
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Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Damn girl, are you an octagon?
Cause there’s like 8 different sides to you.
Tom work hard.
Tom tired.
Tom need break.
Tom book Caribbean vacation.
Tom Cruise.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
It’s summer. We’re young. Let’s sneak into someone else’s pool and skinnydip. If we get caught, we stab them and assume their identities.
Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.
*Receives good, solid, sound advice.
*Does exact opposite.
Finally shaved my armpits and found the factory reset button
Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm
[After kidnapping]
ME: Don’t worry I have a particular set of skills
..ME [making mice tuxedos] admittedly I don’t know how this will help
Hot single dads in your area AREN’T WORKING 60 HOURS A WEEK FOR YOU TO AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD SHUT THE GODDAMN DOOR.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
based al yankovic
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
Bathrooms have Changed from being a Singing Studio, to a Photo Studio.
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
Blood was spilled, curses were uttered, tears were shed, muscles were sprained and dowlings were thrown away, but an IKEA shelf was born.
Him: What’s your fantasy, baby
Me: Me, you and my cat wearing matching sweatersWHERE ARE YOU GOING I HAVEN’T EVEN TOLD YOU ABOUT THE NACHOS
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.
10: Dad, what’s a cliffhanger?
Me: Well, son …
[to be continued]
wife: what r u doing
me: shredding my birth certificate
wife: why
me: *starts disappearing* it’s working
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I’ve been eating this memory foam for weeks now and I can’t even remember why I’m still eating memory foam
Son: Did you know Alligators can live 100 years?
Me: Must be why you’ll see them later.
ASSISTANT: People are worried you won’t do all the things you promised.
TRUMP: I’ll just blame someone else.
ASSISTANT: Like who?
TRUMP:
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.