Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
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The inventor of the USB cable died recently. They’re still trying to figure out which way to put his casket in the ground.
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
sucks to be a bad guy in the teenage mutant ninja turtle world like
“who stopped u”
“turtles”
“huh”
“no they were like faster than normal”
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
Kid: I can’t find my helmet
Me: it’s right there *pointing to helmet*
Kid: where?
Me: you have to use your eyes. I made them specifically for this purpose.
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.
Correction: It doesn’t.
Therapist: perhaps you hide behind books and movies instead of addressing your problems
Me, wearing robes, a pointy hat, holding a wand and petting an orange cat sleeping in my lap: crookshanks and i don’t appreciate the judgmental tone you’re using right now
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
Ironically when you cut your own hair the bar for success is not looking like you cut your own hair.
I went to a club called Innuendos last night. I’m banned but managed to slip in the back doors.
ME [yelling down into a volcano]: You shut your stupid Earth mouth
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
“It’s the hap, happiest seeason of—” yeah go tell it on the mountain, Denise, I’m gift wrapping a basketball over here
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
sugar daddy: I’m gonna spoil you
salt daddy: I’m gonna preserve you