Her: What’s your favorite part about being a stay-at-home mom?
Me: Showering is optional
Her: HAHAHA, be serious.
Me: Ok, no drug tests.
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I never move faster than when I’m pulling a shirt or sweater over my head. I like to minimize the “murder window” as much as possible.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I just sneezed and even my dog looked worried.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
A gritty reboot of basketball where we find out all the players’ moms were murdered by circles and that’s why they throw rocks at one.
WIFE: I think he’s in a midlife crisis
“Why, did he buy a new car?”
WIFE: not yet
[I pull up on a sleigh pulled by roughly 1000 raccoons]
All of the good tweets are either married or gay.
My subconscious wants Thai food but my inner goddess wants pizza.
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
me: hi
sloth: HELL!!!!
me: ..umm [walks away]
sloth: ..oh 🙁
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
OMG. My wife’s boyfriend made such a fuss when I told his parents at dinner about how noisy those two are in bed.
Why do they sell clementines in an orange fish net package? They’re already sexy.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
Ladies, if Men had PMS they’d get into fist fights, defraud partners, start wars, abuse women, stop paying child support..HEY-wait a minute!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
They say a symptom of Covid is loss of taste.
Looking back at my exes? I think I’ve been infected for years
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
“Hey Barack”
“yes Joe?”
“I bet T-Rex’s took terrible selfies”
“Ok Joe”
“Because they had…”
“Short arms Joe, yes. I get it. I get it buddy”