“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
You Might Also Like
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
My husband just announced he cleaned the bathroom.
In related news, my husband doesn’t know the definition of either “clean” or “bathroom.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
I hate when people talk to me while I’m using the restroom, the other day, this guy was all like “Sir this is a display model at Home Depot”
The way I’m terrified to one day raise a teenager you’d think they have rabies
Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.
I’m convinced that Santa is so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Me: I love spicy foods – the explosion of flavor; the tingling burn that creeps from the back of my throat to my lips; the endorphin rush from the delicious pain that makes me feel alive!!
Also Me: OW OW OW MY CAP’N CRUNCH ISN’T SOGGY ENOUGH YET WHYYYYYYYYYYY
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
If you want to get someone out of your office, just pull two tampons out of your purse and start air drumming.
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
How long do you have to stop eating a meal before calling it leftovers?
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little high.
Me: I have 4 kids.
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor: Your blood pressure is a little low.
Her: I’ll sleep with you when pigs fly
Me: points to police helicopter*
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review