The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
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Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
*Sees a guy blow a snot rocket*
Watch this! Does a kegel. Bloody tampon goes flying
Replying to all emails with “ya think?”.
My ex husbands Voicemail was a trick one where he’d say “Hello Hello, so you think he’d answered and that’s why he’s dead.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
As I get older I realize my eyesight is not what it used to be.
I saw ‘whole eggs’ and read it as ‘whale eggs’ and for a minute I thought “whales lay eggs?”
me: *quarantines self*
*runs out of wine*
me: *unquarantines self*
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
Men don’t ignore us; they have selective hearing. Give them instructions for roasted turkey & they’ll remember “breast, thighs, moist & hot”
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
me: (reaches for the bill) no no, i got it
my date, grabbing her stuff to leave my apartment: thank u for paying your own electric bill
HERE’S MARKY
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
I took my dad to the gym with me today. The man clocks a mile on the treadmill before I could hit the Start button.
I’m not taking him with me again.
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”