In honor of the winter solstice I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness.
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[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Because of my expired tags? No, I bet it was because I was speeding. Wait, I want to change my answer. It was because I ran that red light, wasn’t it?
Cop: I need another ticket book.
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
If somebody stops to ask me directions, I give them directions to my house. see you in twenty minutes new best friend.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
I love when a pig looks like a disguised quest giving god
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
I don’t understand people who do things on weekends. You just did things all week. What’s next, more things?? That’s how they get you
Jesus was the only man to return from the dead and not eat brains.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
telling people you’re single:
• “you’ll find someone”
• “have you tried tinder”saying “many have tried to date me and all have failed”:
• mystical
• empowering
• sword-in-the-stone vibes
Surprise your buddy by putting on clown makeup and dying in his attic.
Zoom meetings have reminded me that I’m generally not muted when you should be.
God: you can go on land and water.
Turtle: nice, but what’s the shell on my back for?
God: that’s where you live.
Turtle: oh my gosh.
God: what?
Turtle: I have a house boat!
Was just talking with a friend who refuses to give her husband a blow job because it’s “dirty”.
Told her not to worry, someone else will.
Garfield: I hate Mondays
Therapist: You don’t even have a job
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
When your parents check you’re ok.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
spell your crushes name backwards mine’s ninotores
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
I’ve really grown as a parent recently. Outwards.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.