A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
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“Did you realise that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in five minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in five minutes” are exactly the same?”
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Me: My ex had a problem. He was constantly nauseous.
Friend: Actually that word is often used incorrectly. “Nauseated” describes feeling queasy. “Nauseous” means the person causes a feeling of sickness.
Me: I stand by what I said.
Siri disappoints once again when she refuses my ask for a tactical air strike on the slow-moving car in front of me.
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I don’t download pirated music or movies anymore because I simply no longer know how.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Bought a shirt in the UK. Care instructions say “iron whilst damp.”
I still have no idea when to iron that thing.
GOP threatens to shutdown government unless Obama changes color of skin.
In star trek not one of those snobs orders a grilled cheese sandwich from the replicator smh
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
[after wife gives birth]
wife: he has your eyes
me: [nurses holding me back] give me back my eyes you thief baby
The seven year old I work for just informed me my haircut makes my hips look wider, so I have that going for me.
[trapped in the trunk of a car]
him: hey what’s up
me: *forgets why I called* lol not much
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
ME: Who’s haunting me?
EXORCIST: Your father
*thermostat mysteriously lowers by 4 degrees*
ME: Yeah, that checks out
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
Snakes are refusing to fly on Boeing Max planes.
Look sad dragging a kite on the ground at the park and sometimes people will let you join their picnic.
before you call me an idiot consider this: i know
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles