Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.
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True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Some people smoke cigarettes, drink, post too much on social media…I wait for a windy summer day, find a wedding in a park, show up and release thousands of sheets of paper, tripping after them down the aisle through the crowd wailing “my novel!! my novel!”
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
The carwash is a great place to meet other millionaires who for some reason don’t have garden hoses.
Do you think it’s possible to train a hedgehog to walk up an down the table with cubes of cheese on it’s spikes? I’m giving a dinner party.
*Digging my own grave* sounds like a lot of exercise just to lie down.
damn he’s good
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
me: dating is hard
me on a date: convicted rainbows go to prisms but it’s usually a light sentence
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Me: *leads my girlfriend to the lawn where I get down on one knee*
Her: OMG
Me: *feeling the grass* You’re cutting this way too short
Ladies, men will never get what you mean by “I’m fine” unless there’s a crack of lightening and scary music. Even that might be too subtle.
Oh, please don’t pay attention on that voodoo doll you’re going to find outside your door!
That was by mistake
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
[band rehearsal]
Lead singer: Are you just going to stand there holding that fruit? Where’s your tambourine?
Me: [looks down at tangerine] I may have misunderstood.
Curling is an Olympic sport.
What about Straightening ?There are women who can do
amazing things with a flat iron.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Match dot com, but for socks.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
I do this awesome move at the dance club with my shoulders where i slump them down and go back to my hotel and violently masturbate
[First date]
Him: What’s your favorite dish?
Me: The one that holds the most food.
Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
[in hell]
Me: omg is that melted cheese
Satan: no it’s lav-
Me: *already waist deep* ope real hot
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
me at the grocery store: im going to make a mushroom risotto with herb crusted chicken and a vegetable medley!
me when i get home: crackers
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
“Hey, you guys dare me to eat this whole party sub by myself?”
I ask the dolls that line my bedroom shelves
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away