I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
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Maybe I have a bunny in my pants, maybe that’s why I’m putting this salad in my pockets, you don’t know me.
*Hiring an electrician
Just so I know you’re qualified, how many eels can you safely hook together and use as an extension cord
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Sex is great and all but have you ever blown a snot rocket that opened your nasal passage up again?
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.
I’m not proud of the person I become when I see a cheese tray at a party.
Animals…..
Hey what are you looking at don’t you have anything better to do it’s only an panda having a nice bath ok…..😏😉
Started hearing a weird rattle in my car, then something fell off and the rattle was gone, did u guys know that 2004 corolla’s had self healing technology?
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
Received some very disappointing news today
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
ME: where ya headed after Denver
PILOT: flying into Boulder
ME: omg *whispers* I need to warn the others
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.