this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
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that’s NOT YOUR CALL TO MAKE
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
Venn
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
Me: [first day at work] I’ve finally found my dream job.
Me: [4 days later] I just want to go home, nobody likes me and I think the printer is haunted.
you begin to tell your eye doctor that you’ve been seeing “floaters” when he gets a strange look on his face and begins to rise
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
Calling in stupid to work tomorrow
Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.
Officer- I’m giving you a ticket for your speed
Me- That’s heroin
Officer-…
Me- Want some?
Officer-…
Me- Oooh, shiny handcuffs
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
[shower song] Im all outta Dove
Im soapless without you
I’ll never get clean
Now that you are all gone
*grabs shampoo mic*
IM ALL OUTTA DOVE
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
her: what do u do
me: [remembers girls like bad boys] i sell drugs
her: are u serious ??
me: [remembers girls like sensitive guys] to kids in need
This haunted house sucks. It’s just people sitting in cubicles under fluorescent lights looking sad.
Wait, this is real life? NOOOOOOOOOO!
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
inventor of shirts: sleeves are awesome
inventor of vests: disagree
inventor of turtlenecks: there should be three of them
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
14yo: My voice keeps randomly changing
DOCTOR: That’s normal at your age
14yo: [Batman voice] Thank you doctor
DOCTOR: That’s not normal
Me: I’ll have a Dr.Pepper.
Waiter: Is Mr.Pibb ok?
Me: Is he a doctor?