I told my wife that she was sounding like her mother and I realized that was a mistake after I regained consciousness.
You Might Also Like
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
before puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the shower’
after puppy: ‘i’ma jump in the oven’
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
If the final episode of Game of Thrones doesn’t feature a group hug with everyone singing “Kumbaya,” then I don’t know what I’m talking about.
Him: you’re beautiful.
Her: no I’m not, hehe.
Him: yes, you are.
Her: you’re crazy, I’m hideous.
Him: oh, ok. I see it now.
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Whenever people say “anything is possible”, I think about trying to staple pudding to a tree.
PROLOGUE: This novel is based on a true story
AMATEURLOGUE: This stuff is like for reals or something
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
pretty weird how criminals don’t want their crimes investigated, what’s up with that
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
Carl’s joy at escaping the predators captured forever by an ill-timed mud slide.
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
Her: *Looking at furniture we can’t afford*
Me: You know you can’t have that, why do you tease yourself?[A few hours later]
Me: *Watching sportsball on TV*
Me: *Perks up at cheerleader*
Her: *Just raises one eyebrow*
Judge: So, you don’t know how the victims blood got in your car?
Clown: In my defense Your Honor, there were 46 other passengers in the car
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
there there son
*crouches down & wipes his tears*
its ok, dont go crying over spilt mil– YOU GOT IT ON THE XBOX!? no NO. call 911. CALL 911
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
therapist: how have you been coping with everything
me: with sarcasm mostly
therapist: has that been working
me: yeah it’s been super great
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
Saw some turkeys and immediately thought of you.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
Lambs: “BAAAAAAAAA!!!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhhhh!”
Lambs: “Baaaa!”
Hannibal Lecter: “Shhhh…”
Lambs: “…”
Hannibal Lecter: “Much better.”
Anyone else pick up clothes from the floor, knowing full well they are clean, and throw them in the laundry because that’s another day’s problem?
Please tell me I’m not alone on this.
No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me