If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
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One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
Milk Cube
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
People are all “Sure, I’ll help you move” until they see my prized collection of cement blocks from around the world.
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
On Sunday’s I Iike to dress as Satan & stand outside of churches, yelling at the parishioners that it’s not working & I own their soul.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
A kiddie pool with a carrot floating in it would look odd to you and me but to a snowman it would be horrifying.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
Me: how many bears do you think we could fight as a family
Wife: none you idiot
Me: oh
*growling from closet*
Wife: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE??
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[at a party]
host: would you like a tour
me: no thanks, but hey while I have you here… which room would you describe as “off limits”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[at bar]
“Yeah I pulled down a solid 6 figs last year.”
Whoa that’s impressive!
“I know, right! Can’t believe I got fired by that fig farm.”
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
The quarantine has changed me. I am now a make the bed every day with all 15 pillows kind of person because I have the time and some sort of primal instinct to cozy my nest and I’m thinking maybe my ancestors were actually velociraptors because, also, I bite now.
Why do Tomb, Comb, and Bomb all have different pronunciations ????