Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose
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Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Me: Breakfast!
Son: YOU made it?
Me: Yup.
Son: What is it?
Me: An omelet.
Son: It’s…um… crunchy.
Me: NEXT TIME PICK UP YOUR LEGOS.
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
You know what they say,
so I won’t tell you.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Me: Do you grow crops on your farm?
Farmer: Barley.
Me: Well, keep working at it! You’ll get better!
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
very cute girl told me she liked my briefcase and asked if I could text her a link and I said “oh it’s just on Amazon you can find it pretty easy” and then walked away
please lobotomize me
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
[first date]
ME: How do you spend your free time?
HER: I read a lot. I enjoy studying the big questions. Like… Do we have free will? Does God exist? Is our universe real? What do you think about?
ME: I’ve always wondered how Dumbo’s hat stayed on when he was flying.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
It’s not easy sitting around all day doing nothing. It’s hard to know whether or not you’re done.
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: “Are you even listening to me?”
My son:
One of my coworkers just took every friday off from now until february. so lets all collectively hate her please.
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If you don’t know me, don’t judge me. Unless you’re making me a pizza and you say
“This woman looks like she wants extra cheese.” That’s ok
Sitting in my backyard is just yelling over the fence at the neighbor kids letting them know my son isn’t home yet.
wait wait WAIT!! Chicks are selling used panties on Craig’s List?! You’re telling me I don’t have to do the laundry AND I’m making money?!
I’ve been doing life all wrong.