[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
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Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Just read the “Our Story” section on the back of my frozen burrito box and it said “one day my wife made me a burrito and it was so good I knew we had to start a frozen burrito business” and I just feel like not every boxed food needs a story. It’s ok to just not.
Me: Don’t you think it’s weird and creepy that you’re 37 years old and still hang out at the high-school you went to?
Wife (who was homeschooled): Shut up. You’re not getting out of coming with me to visit my parents.
There is no worse place to receive bad news than sitting in a beanbag chair.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
My signature sex move is what I call “The Heinz Ketchup”.
That’s where I flip you over and spank your bottom until you give me what I want.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
Vet: We have to put his dog down
Assistant: You tell him
Vet: No, you
Assistant: You!
Vet: YOU!
John Wick: What are you two whispering about?
a friend was telling me about a guy she’s breaking up with and at one point she said “he does these weird eye and ear exercises” and at the end i was like “i’m sorry you’re going thru this” waited the appropriate 20 seconds and said “can you teach me the eye and ear exercises”
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
[my funeral]
sister: did you know about this?
mom: [watching my pallbearers dressed like the ninja turtles carry my casket] it’s what he wanted
Who.
Did.
This?
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I have neither the patience nor the crayons to show you why this is a bad idea.
Ovenable?
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”