10yo just came to me, so excited to share about a “new artist” he discovered who sounds “just like Alexander Hamilton.”
Anyways it was Eminem.
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One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.
they should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year
Sorry I romantically ran a seagull feather across your lips.
Think you know guilt?
*takes long drag on cigarette*
I’m the wildebeest who killed Mufasa.
*exhales*
I hear Simba’s screams every night.
Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”
Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.
[couples therapy]
me: she’s always correcting me. I hate it with every fiber of my bean
therapist: did you just say bean
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Websites: “Please choose a password with 12 characters, three symbols, no spaces, no repeated letters, and nothing you’ve used in the last 6 months.”
ATMs: “Four numbers is cool.”
USERS: we love twitter but it has problems
TWITTER: great we’ll fix them
USERS: do you want to know what they are
TWITTER: absolutely not
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
Bought some of that edible cookie dough.
Gotta say it’s just not as good without the hint of a salmonella threat.
Your case is very difficult to win. When I walk outside just follow me and run away
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Me: Make me look more rugged & manly, but on a budget
Plastic Surgeon: *gives me a roundhouse to the face*
Me: *spitting teeth out* perfect
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Unfortunately you can only fake your death like three times before your boss starts asking to see the death certificate
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
Toddler tech support: “Did you try throwing it and crying?”