My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.
I said it must be my weekend immune system.
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I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
PC: You quit improperly.
ME: You froze.
PC: Next time quit properly.
ME: I didn’t quit.
PC: You lost your data.
ME: YOU lost my data.
PC: Would you like to send a report to Microsoft?
ME: That you fucked up?
PC: That’s not how it’ll read.
ME *reboots
PC: YOU SHUT DOWN IMPROPERLY.
I wonder if soap opera actors know how to carry on regular conversations in real life or if they’re just always saying part of a thought
One day she says “Treat me like a princess,” the next she’s pissed that I married her off in exchange for an alliance with Spain. Women…
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
I wonder if Scarlett Johansson ever fantasizes about fat comic book nerds, or is that just a one-way street?
“Google Earth gives you the freedom to journey across the ocean and take an intimate look at the pyramids.”
*Googles my ex’s house*
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.
I miss the good old days, when more people were catapulted.
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
Exactly like a tissue box dispenser, except for cold cuts.
I have nothing in common with people who answer “how are you”, with “can’t complain.”
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
[at Subway]
Them: What kind of cheese?
Me: Surprise me.[at home]
Netflix: 🔀 Surprise Me?
Me: Not Today Satan.
After hand washing your cat, put up to dry
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
ME: I don’t know if I’m ready for this…emotionally.
CHIPOTLE EMPLOYEE: You have to order something or get out of the line.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.