Me: I want you inside of me.
Him: Wow.
Me: That would be a scary thing to hear if I was a bear, huh?
Him: Why are you like this?
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My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
The difference between just buying your teenage son some food on the way home and texting him to ask what he wants is approximately $30.
1st grade: Color inside the lines.
10th grade: Color outside the lines.
Art School: Snort the lines and then go color.
*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
no one ever comes back
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
Oh my god
Every animal: how will we see things that are behind us?
God: just turn around
Almost every animal: ok
Owl: I absolutely will not
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
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Just take a day off