If you are dissolving someone in a vat it’s no longer an acid problem, it’s an acid solution.
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
[Creation]
ANGEL: Ok, bats are done. We just need to decide how they sleepGOD: [on his phone] Hang on
ANGEL: [writing] Bit weird but ok
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
I have watched this 10 times already she is so good!!!
Me: Dad, am I adopted?
Dad: Shit, like I’d have picked you?
me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, “Good. I never liked her” to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
My husband’s really not keen on this whole ‘date night’ thing that married people are supposed to do……
Perhaps next time I should go out with him?
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
“Your highness, an egg has fallen off a wall”
“Send all my men”
“But excellency I…”
“And all of my horses too”
“I don’t…”
“ALL OF THEM!”
BOSS: how was your weekend?
ME: oh man i got so high
BOSS: it’s against company policy-
ME: I took a ride in a hot air balloon
BOSS: oh, haha well then-
ME: then the edibles kicked in
Kids: [not eating their chicken Alfredo I made them]
me: eat!
7: it’s not fair
10: yea
me: [eating a giant donut for dinner] what? IM AN ADULT.
5: poop head daddy.
Please take your Apple Watch off if you are wearing a dress or formal attire. You look like a spy kid
If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Kind of lied on my Tinder profile and said I had a boat*
*gravy
*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…