forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
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My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Cancer: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”
What’s pink and fluffy?
Pink fluff.
What’s purple and fluffy?
Pink fluff holding its breath.#RubbishJokes #PinkDay
#ThursdayVibe
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
6: Mommy, why is that man wearing his baseball cap backwards?
Me: Because he was alive in the 1990s, sweetheart
14: I don’t have a signal.
Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-
14: It’s back.
Me: Good talk.
Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.
– whenever we have company and are never remodeling
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?