If you had a terrible childhood, you’ll be super-bummed out by Bank of America’s options for security questions.
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
Nobody shoots annoying people into the sun anymore and that’s why there are so many of them left on earth
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Yo mama so fat she plays Temple Walk.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
[Amphibian Playground]
BULLFROG: look at all u lil toad nerds
TOAD: help! a BULLYfrog!
TEACHER SNAKE: i’ll handle this *eats everyone*
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Just went to Cracker Barrel for the first time in my life and my biggest takeaway is that obesity is delicious.
Pro tip: Get two photos that are ten years apart and label your before photo as your after and your after photo as your before.
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Jurassic World is so unrealistic. Like a teenager would ever just drop his cell phone while being chased by a dinosaur.
If a whale bit my leg, I would simply pursue him relentlessly until my obsessive hatred became my undoing
Why did they call it ‘Rambo: First Blood Part 2’ instead of ‘Rambo: Second Blood’? That’s some bullshit right there.
Pretty sure these are the same ingredients in my shampoo.
-me, reading the Pringles can.
I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
If you want me to save a horse and ride a cowboy, you better spare a tree and eat a beaver.
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Four year olds can’t even go for cigarettes or anything. Four year olds are useless.