Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
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[holding hands]
Her: I think I love you
Me: WHAT?
Her: Did I say something wrong?
Me: *running away with only one arm attached* not at all
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
Gonna serve James Bond a stirred martini just to see if he even notices, that pretentious little shit
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him I hate him
GOD, I hope he calls me.
Nothing displeases me more than when a friend gets into a serious plane crash after I’ve specifically told them to have a safe flight.
him: i like athletic girls
me [dips oreo in milk]: check out this sweet dunk
him: not like that
johnny depp looks like the person who does hair and make up for johnny depp
To establish dominance around the dinner table have everyone watch you eat the crust off of their pot pie before serving it to them.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
Me: I’m going to get some of those Ample Bottom jeans that were all the trend back in 2010
My daughter: mom. It’s Apple Bottom jeans.
Me (glancing backwards): nah. I was right the first time.
Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
[interview]
BOSS: So you have zero experience?
ME: Hire me & I’ll give u a sweet nickname
B: That’s absurd..
ME: Lazerwolf
B: Welcome aboard
Judge “The defendant must answer in his own voice.”
Dummy “This is my own voice.”
Ventriloquist “I’d like to request separate lawyers.”
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
Me: can I buy you a drink?
Girl: no
Me: *looking at bank account* you’re right
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
Watching tv with 4 and now he knows the word crescent.
All I learned as a kid was how hard to hit a cat with a frying pan without killing it
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
When my large dog wants to sit beside me but my other slightly less large dog already is, he just sits on top of him
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
Everyone at this exorcism is being like really mean to me