Hey microwaves that make me hit a “time” button before I start pressing numbers: what else would I be trying to do here, make a phone call?
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
The UPS driver beat on my door so loudly that it sounded like the cops. Calm down, dude, it’s just my cat food.
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve opened the refrigerator and thought, What am I doing inside the refrigerator?
Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
It’s kinda hot to know that Santa’s watching.
Lmao
Aw yeah! Who has two thumbs and is having sex today? That’s right. Somebody else.
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
I’m just eating cereal out of a bucket now, like a horse
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
I quit smoking cold turkey 1 year ago but sometimes I still get the urge to go into fridge and light up a slice
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?
“the moon is made of cheese”
You’re an idiot
“And yet you seem to be unable to refute my claim! Is it perhaps that you have no logical rebuttal? Tis always the side with the weaker argument that must resort to name calling. 😏”
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Snow white: it’s really starting to get dark in the forest & I’m gettting scared!
Huntsman: How do you think I feel! I’ve gotta find my way back on my own.
I’ve reached a tipping point in life where my interest in baked goods is greater than my interest in men and I’m calling this new chapter doughs before bros
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
“To compliment my hair?”
Cop: [looking down moving toe around in the dirt] Maaaaybe.
Paper cut-outs of coins don’t work in parking meters in case you were thinking of trying this out on your own.
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