You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
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I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
You have tattoos and curves?
*unbuttons pants*
You’re also batshit crazy?
*takes off pants*
You listen to Paramore?
*puts on clothes*
When my 3yo doesn’t take a nap someone always tells me, oh she’s gonna sleep good at night. It’s almost like they can’t feel the heat coming off the hell that’s about to unfold when I tell my 3yo it’s time for bed.
I made garlic mashed potatoes and there isn’t a vampire for miles that is brave enough to come near us.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
*does that thing*
Friend: let’s do that thing again next month!!!
Me: yes, great idea! That thing is brilliant!!!
*three weeks later*
Friend: we still good for that thing next week?!!
Me: yes I’m really looking forward to that thing!!!
*day of that thing*
Me: oh no
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
I wonder how many calories you burn locking yourself out and having to climb in through a second story window.??
My cat acts pretty tough for someone who disappears for 3 days anytime I sneeze.
“I can’t wait to see what my Happy Meal prize is! Wait…what the -”
[U2 is playing a free concert in the box]
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing
Me as a kid: I can’t wait until I’m an adult and have money to spend on anything I want!
Me as an adult: Reads dozens of online reviews and does an exhaustive cost/benefit analysis before buying a $15 dish drainer.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
spiraling out of control, anyone need anything?
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
My local weather app tells me conditions are good for breathing but tough for running, which fortunately blends perfectly with my skillset.
Everybody thinks I’m wearing this barrel as some sort of old timey commentary on poverty and capitalism. But really, some dick sorcerer turned my torso into a barrel of gunpowder so I’m headed over to their house with a box of matches to make them regret it.
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
ME: my mouth is all itchy
HER: were you in the attic again?
ME: you mean my Free Cotton Candy Room?
HER: I’ll speed dial poison control