Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
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Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the person’s likes and dislikes. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
My GPS thinks we should see other drivers.
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
All. The. Damn. Time.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
The rose scented hand sanitizer I got from Bath & Body Works reminds me of a funeral home so I just kinda go with it and think of the dead germs.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
I’m so sorry my pet rock attacked you. Its just he really hates arrogant douche bags. Thank god he only hit your face.
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
This new diet is awesome: I can eat all the donuts I want and die happy.
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.
It’s all fun and games until you realize that cute little puppy that you took in is the most proficient shitting machine that ever walked the earth.
Sometimes I’m playing a dangerous game like Halo & people ask if I get scared but honestly no, your training just takes over
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
‘High five!’
*steals your snacks, runs away
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
someone ate my burrito from the office fridge. i will level this building.
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Naming my first daughter Piggleigh Wiggleigh.
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha