[ DURING SEX ]
Me: Who’s a bad hand!?
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If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you got picked on in high school?
Cop: *sniffles* Shut up.
That cute little run women do when they’re wearing heels and dresses remind me of that time I almost pooped my pants
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Oh, you pronounce pecan like “puh kahn”? I always pronounced it “pee can”. Differences in dialects can be so fascinating, right? Well, anywho, that’s what your husband choked on.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Of course I want to connect with my high school boyfriend’s mom thank you LinkedIn.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
Her: *5 paragraphs of text
Me: 👍
Me: If you can’t wear white after Labor Day why do people dress up as ghosts for Halloween?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
The first rule of Suspense Club is͏
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On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
Mmmm. Shoeshi
my girlfriend has literally 40 browser tabs open on her $170 chromebook. some tabs are like a week old and it’s not even slowing down. it’s astounding. trying to imagine what 1998 me would think of that. he’d be amazed i have a girlfriend
PHARMACIST : Take this medication with food.
ME : Relax, buddy. I take everything with food.