How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
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This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I got myself into this mess, and I can get myself further into this mess.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
Sometimes I just want to take my three dollars and run away.
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Me: It’s cute how obsessed you are with me. All you talk about is what I’ve done.
Judge: That’s my job!
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
My wife has so many different sighs they should have subtitles.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
A movie so damn long that you’re called for a Covid booster shot halfway through it.
chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
ME: I have to jet to the office real quick after breakfast, so—
FAMILY: We have a JET?!
ME: I meant—
FAMILY: Can we ride in the jet?
ME:
FAMILY: Is the jet invisible?
ME: Yes, that is definitely the case
twitter users today:
This lady was being so rude to me in the grocery line so rather than say anything to her, I invited everyone behind her to go ahead of me. Today, I had time.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
Based on the week’s events , I’d say aluminum foil companies will be having a banner year.
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
The part I don’t like about the show Unsolved Mysteries is when the mysteries don’t get solved.
Do you know what happens after 8 tequila shots?
Me neither.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture