Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
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Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
Typos is the Greek god of spelling errors
colleague: do u like the clown from IT?
me: nah he never fixes my computer
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
If there’s a Supreme Court, there must be a Pepperoni Court and a Cheese Court.
them: hold your horses
me: *immediately drops one*
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
One day a guy named Matt banged a waitress and nine months later a mattress was born haha just messin around on this website.
If I had a nickel for every time a child called my name as I immediately sat down I’d be able to pay a butler to go see what they want.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
I got a head start on decorating for Halloween by not dusting the last six months.
Netflix and Will…
…you stop trying to touch me?
Watching the Flintstones and the Monkees as a kid gave me an unreasonable expectation that I would be spending a lot more nights in haunted mansions to inherit my kooky dead uncle‘s fortune.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
My neighbors listen to great music… whether they like it or not.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
If I hear a bump in the night, I’m hoping my kids investigate and annoy any potential intruder until he leaves.