Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
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I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
Friend: OMG did u see the thing on the news about the sinister clowns?
Me: *flashback to me watching the debate* yeah I think I saw that
Doctor’s office: “Can you fax us your information?”
Me: “Let me get a rock and chisel to write down your fax number.”
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
Though he came from a long line of spoons, Sammy Spork always noticed a slight resemblance to Mom’s friend Frank, the fork living next door.
a public service announcement
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Wifi so slow at my parent’s house that we actually got to know each other better.
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Parent Tip: don’t tell your child “I’m waiting, I can wait all day if I have to” unless you’ve actually cleared your schedule for the day.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Instacart – For when you still want someone to call you from the store about your grocery list but you don’t want to be married to them.
I could never live off the grid. Crunchwrap Supremes are found exclusively on the grid.
HER: my water broke
ME: [looking at my ice cream scoop on the ground] we all have our issues
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
[Trailer voice]
Detective Will Anker is an alcoholic with a drug problem who has just 48 hours to find the person who killed 150,000 innocent people & stole 37 billion pounds.
The only problem is everything points to him!!!!W. Anker
Thursdays on Fox
*Seductively stripping out of clothes.
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”