With trump being a potential candidate I feel like the Simpsons are sitting on their couch watching an episode of us
You Might Also Like
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes
no matter what the government says no one can stop you from eating the bugs you find in your garden
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
The person who made stabbing people illegal, clearly never slept next to someone who snores.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
You know you spend too much time online when you’re looking for a suitcase to pack for a vacation with your girlfriend only to find out she took it when she moved out.
Before I was married people told me about date night but they never mentioned it just meant folding laundry together
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
[1931]
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
[training the new person at work]
Them: so you do this everyday?
Me, hiding in the toilet for the 6th time: yes
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Michelangelo: Why are you naked?
Me: How else are you going to sculpt me like you did David?
Michelangelo: Dude, I’m a ninja turtle!
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
Christmas day for delusional middle aged men who live online
I need to go shopping for a new outfit. Anyone know who sells sizes OMFG and WTF happened?
girls w long ass hair love to cut three inches off and be like “i love my short hair omg it’s so short”
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.