[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
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I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
One thing about marvel I like is that they use the same actor. It’s about 25 different Batman’s.
Me: Hi! One Big Mac no tomatoes please
Her: Mam this is a library
Me: Oh. Sorry
Now whispering: One Big Mac no tomatoes please
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Welcome to Twitter, someone with cat ears & whiskers will be along shortly to explain why you’re wrong.
Today, my 2 year-old had a wellness checkup and was angry when we were late.
So, I had them run all the tests on him because there is something obviously not right with a kid wanting to go to the doctor.
Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
ME: *sees a puppy*
BRAIN: Your backpack could fit a puppy.
HOT older men in YOUR area want to know if YOU have been playing with the THERMOSTAT?
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
[Romeo below the balcony in 2022]
“I brought chicken”
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
I hope the next variant mutates to turn everyone into Cats, makes this all worthwhile.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now