Peanut Butter CEO: it’s taking too long to mix it, leave it lumpy
Me: umm
CEO: call it crunchy
Me: oh ok then we charge less
CEO: hahaha no
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“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
when giving your wife a massage know that there is never a right time to stop. 10 minutes? Don’t think so buddy. 1 hour? Keep going. 7 hours. I want more. The sun enveloping the Earth after a billion years? Now do my shoulders
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
Me: I’m feeling short of breath.
Her: Maybe it’s because you just climbed the stairs after eating an entire party-sized bag of chips?
Me: *rolls eyes* I didn’t put the chips in my lungs, Brenda.
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
ICYMI: Yesterday, MarineLand Canada sent the police to my house because I tweeted “Life is short. Steal a walrus”. Vid or it didn’t happen? Ok:
INTERVIEWER: Any questions for me?
ME: How do I access the WIFI?
INTERVIEWER: I meant about the job
ME: Is that all capital?
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Me: you look tired. Would you like to take a little nap?
4: I wasn’t yawning. I was doing my yawning exercises.
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
-Octopus preparing for a fight
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
95% of dentists recommend teeth.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Beware…..