When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.
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the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
[shopping for school supplies with kids]
7 year old: What’s the bottle of champagne for?
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
Just once, I’d like to sleep as deeply as a cartoon sheriff whose keys are dangling seductively from his belt.
The dude who invented the flashlight got me through some dark times.
My husband pissed me off today so I told him that I can’t wait to see what he had planned for our special day tomorrow
There is nothing special about tomorrow
But there is something special about watching the color leave his face as the panic takes over
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek – don’t ever put super glue in your mouth.
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
My 7 year old was tapping away on my Mac tonight and told me he was writing a book. I think you’ll agree it’s one hell of an opening.
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
How is it that my kids can never find their own shoes but…
Easily find the one ice cream sandwich I hid behind the peas in the freezer.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
[Before people were invented]
THE EARTH: This is nice
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
I’m going to start an aluminum recycling company called “Only Cans”.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.